After an earthquake, the difference between an angry Arnold Schwarzenegger (see “Terminator 1”) or a happy Schwarzenegger (see “Terminator 2”) will likely come down to whether or not he’s purchased earthquake insurance on his home. Insuring multi-million dollar mansions is a pricey proposition, and insurance premiums can rough up the bank accounts of even the most flush celebrities. So the question is: how much will the ex-governor and the rest of California’s brightest stars have to work in order to pay the high earthquake insurance premiums necessary to purchase peace of mind?
Sure, he’s battled Predators, pregnancy, and budget deficits, but what does the half-man, half-machine have to do to protect his Brentwood home (valued at around $5 million when he bought it in 2002) from unimaginable destruction at the hands of vengeful Poseidon, god of earthquakes? Arnie raked in $30 mil for the 109 minute long and thoroughly mediocre “Terminator 3.” Let’s assume for argument’s sake that he’s on screen for every minute (I know he’s not, but I’m not going to watch it again with a stopwatch. Once was fine.) Therefore it’d take just 1.74-3.49 seconds of his work to pay for his $8,000-$16,000 premium. That’s just saying “I’ll be back” once or twice. I mean, it won’t protect him against the upcoming Skynet apocalypse, but it’s still good to have.
For his $5 million place in Sea Cliff, San Francisco, Mr. Williams could be looking at between $20k and $30k a year in premiums. On the lower end of his pay scale, he made $1,000,000 for the widely-panned “comedy” “Man of the Year.” The movie is 115 minutes long. Fudging the numbers once again, he’d then be making $8,695.65 per minute of screen time, so 3.5 minutes of pandering comedy would buy him a year’s protection from nature’s wobbliest destructive force. If Mrs. Doubtfire wanted to be able to cover the 15% deductible also, he should put in another 82.75 minutes of screen time to be safe.
Sparkling smile, girl next door, very likeable… blah, blah, blah. The real thing we want to know about is her insurance, right guys? Well, she had six minutes of actual screen time in the 2009 celebrity infomercial on love, “Valentine’s Day” (thanks for saving me from having to calculate that, Internet). For her six minutes of being charming she took home $3 million. To replace her $14 million dollar-plus Malibu home after it gets dumped into the ocean, she had to work 4.32-8.76 seconds to cover the $36k-$73k premium. Wow, is that really right, California Earthquake Authority? Maybe she should just move.
On the other hand, her home in New Mexico will probably be fine when The Big One hits, so she can always hang out there while surfers are shredding through her now-watery living room.
Amy Adams is insanely adorable. Some might say that I have a hard time separating between the actress as a person and her performance as an animated princess, but those people clearly don’t realize that Disney’s “Enchanted” was actually a documentary. Anyway, you know what’s not adorable? Crippling debt caused by loss of home after an earthquake. Amy Adams and her baby daddy, Darren Le Gallo, just bought a $3.1 million dollar Beverly Hills home. An earthquake insurance premium for a house like that could run from $7,000 to $15,000. Using her $5 million dollar paycheck from the unloved Irish-themed romantic comedy “Leap Year” as a model, Giselle Amy would have to produce 8.4 to 18 seconds of movie in order to live happily ever after (see what I did there?).
Ah, I remember when I was about to turn 18 and bought a $3.4 million dollar home for myself. Good for you, Miley.
Now, since she’s not really a movie star (one terrible Nicholas Sparks adaptation does not a star make) I had a tougher time calculating her per-minute value for insurance. But she did make $48 million in 2010, which works out to $131,506.85 per day. I know it doesn’t work this way, but that’s $5,479 per hour, every hour. A four-hour nap should cover it. Alternatively, Miley also produced a 44 minute, 15 second album, “Can’t Be Tamed,” which translates to $18,000 per second. So let’s say she has to work somewhere between 1.5 seconds and 4 hours. What were we talking about? Right, earthquake insurance. Very important. Stars, I know you want to blow all your millions on plastic surgery, adoption fees, and jewel-encrusted Hello Kitty dolls, but maybe you want to do something sensible like spending the profits from your next nap on earthquake insurance. Or not. You can always buy another house.
In the end, peace of mind is what it’s about. For me to have any, Robin Williams has to get earthquake insurance before the big one turns Sea Cliff into just plain old Sea. The last thing I want is for him to lose his house and then have to make “Old Dogs 2: Older Dogs” in order to pay for a new one. I can’t sleep at night knowing there’s any chance that movie could hit California sometime in the next 30 years.